What is the recipe for a good run? A good cry.

We are officially back to school today.  We have made our teacher bags, organized our homework zone, turned in school supplies, and set our new lunch calendar.  The kids are excited for new teachers, classmates, and the privileges that come with the new school year.  They are also a bit apprehensive.  So am I.  

I always face conflicted emotions when my children reach new milestones.   For me, a new school always triggers some powerful ones.  Like all parents, I am tremendously proud of my children.  I admire them for who they are and who they have the potential to become.  With each year, I watch them grow to be more independent.  As they prepare to enter a new grade, I see that they are proud of themselves as well.  They feel more grown-up and find power and freedom in doing for themselves.  I too feel freedom.  I now need to do less for them.  The downside is the unsettling feel of powerlessness.

Our children are away at school only 6 hours every day.  It doesn’t sound like a long time.  Still, throughout the day I watch the clock.  I can’t help but wonder about what they are doing and how they are feeling.  Are they having fun with friends, or do they feel lonely?  Do they feel proud or insecure?  Excited about learning or bored?  Having your child in school for the day requires that you put your faith in not only the teachers and the school, but in yourself as well.   I have to trust in this:  If I have done well in my job as a parent, then my child will thrive in this new year of independence.  

The first day of Kindergarten is a particularly emotional day for parents.  It is a terrifying thing to drop your child off in a room full of strangers and a new teacher.  As the door closes behind you, your heart remains on the other side.  But then, there is freedom.  Freedom comes for you both.  This is the moment that you both realize that life goes on even when you are apart.   

Last night, as we awaited the news of whether or not the teachers in Tacoma would strike, I went for a run.  Not having reset my ipod back from “plane music” to “running music”, I found myself running to the lovely chords of Clem Snide’s “Beard of Bees”.

Prisoners of ourselves

Desperate little elves

We hide inside a tree

And wear a beard of bees

But do you know that when

You're here with me

That's the only time that I feel free


 Mommafied as I am, I turned this song of romantic love into a song of love for my children.  Then I started crying.  Being at the college track required that I try to hide my crying.   Which, in turn, triggered hyperventilation.  Luckily, I am sure that the fellow joggers just assumed that I was horribly out of shape.  I wiped my eyes, but then decided not to pull in together.  I even played the song over…twice.  And, guess what?  I conituned on to have a great run!  So good that I didn’t want to head home when my alloted time was up.  But I did because I had to tuck my children into bed.  It was their first day of school in the morning, conflicted or not.