Baby Lust

Driving back from the gym today Liam declared:

"I can't wait until the new baby comes!"

Me: Um...whah...huh? ...... You.... like babies?

Liam:  No.  But, I can't wait until our baby comes.

Me:  So you would like to be a big brother?

Liam:  Yes.  Then I'll be sooo big, like Jack.

Me:  We are not going to have anymore babies in our house.

Liam:  I'd like a baby.

And then, that familiar twinge takes over.  And then, the brief fantasy of having another baby (which of course is a girl who never cries and is born sleeping through the night).  Although my heart sinks knowing that Liam will never be a big brother, the reality is that I do not want another baby.  Our family is complete.  I am starting to get a taste of the freedom that comes with having older children.  Freedom of having more space for my myself.

No diapers to change.  
No night feedings or wakings. 
No waking for the day at 4:30 AM
No 4 PM witching hour
and with Liam in preschool
Tuesday and Thursday mornings to myself

And, then the twinge is gone...or surpressed.  Either way, the daydream dies.  I have had these little "maybe one more" episodes for years. 

There was a time when I doubted motherhood altogether. When Amelia was a newborn, I went from dreaming of a big picture perfect family to raising an only child and going back to work as soon as possible.  Thankfully, I stuck it out at home with Amelia.  Thankfully, she stuck it out with me, accepting me and all of my faults.  20 months and a few spells of Baby Lust later, and baby Jack joined us.  I was in love, but the Baby Lust was gone.  I knew this time that our family was complete.  A girls and a boy perfect in their imperfections.  We were done, chapter closed.

Only it wasn't.  Starting around Jack's 1st birthday the Baby Lust returned.  I shooed it away, but it came buzzing back time and time again.  Finally, when Jack turned 3, I realized that my longing wasn't staying away.  Nine months later, baby Liam arrived.  This time I knew I was done having babies.  Still, the lust returned again a year later.


I could have ten children and still have bouts of Baby Lust.  It isn't emotional, it isn't rational and it isn't sensible.  It's biological.  It started in my 20's and continues into my 30's.  Time will tell whether or not I will long for just one well into my 40's.   It is hard to close the door on having a baby in the house.  The way that they arch their backs and tuck their legs when you lift their sleepy bodies from bed.  The warm fuzzy heads with that delicious smell.  The list goes on and on.  Apparently, so does the Baby Lust.

Do you suffer from intermittent of Baby Lust?

Veganized

                                         

In January I took the plunge and dove, head over heals into veganism.  I began by only committed myself to a month of plant based eating.  But, I knew that I was sold for a lifetime.  I was right, I have gone vegan and I am not looking back.  It was something that I have wanted to do for years, but didn’t out of fear: 

Fear that I would feel an outsider socially

Fear of being nutrient deficient

Fear of never eating cheese again

Now, I am still a rookie at this, but my fear has been melting away.  For all of you who think that eliminating animal products is an odd thing to do, I assure you, I was weird long before becoming vegan.  Furthermore, vegan or not, you probably have a pinch of freak too.  We all do

I have toyed with the idea of going animal free since I became vegetarian at 14.  I have even tried it from time to time.  I always felt a bit deprived, or weak.  Little did I know, those feelings were not from lack of animal protein.  Rather, they we the screams of toxins leaving my body.  I took what my brain was telling me as the truth.  I failed to listen to my body.  Mistakenly, just as I detoxified, I would throw in the towel.  Well, really Fear grabbed the towel and hurled it for me. 

Over the winter break, I saw two films that changed my outlook and sparked my interest again.  “Fat, Sick, and nearly Dead and “Forks over Knives”.  These movies had sat in our Netflix que for a while.  Along with “Waiting for Superman” and other films that I knew that I should watch but knew would shine the light on things that live in a fog, I had let it sit for a couple of months.  Having successfully abstained from (most) of the annual holiday gluttony, I was feeling strong and inspired.  I was also feeling a little smug.  As a long time vegetarian and relatively clean eater, I was hoping to sit down with my tea and give myself a pat on the back.  No such luck. 

These two films reminded me of the health benefits of not eating animals.  It also gave compelling reasons to give up all animal products and eat a plant-based diet.  It didn’t stop there.  I also gave up all caffeine and alcohol for a month.  I now drink caffeine once or twice a week and limit alcohol to special occasions (which may, or may not include the weekends (which may or may not include Thursdays)).   After 22 years of eating meat free, I am now reminded of why I don’t eat animals. 

Swimming through the toxic waters of caffeine, alcohol, dairy and eggs has had it’s ups and downs.  I couldn’t tell you much about the early days.  Mostly, because I was completely and utterly exhausted.  As I pushed through these lifestyle changes, I became tangled in many of my own demons.  On those chapters alone, I could fill a novel.  I have found that jumping in with enthusiasm is how I thrive in life.  I never like did like getting my toes wet first.  And, hey, if it was good for Albert Einstien, maybe it could be good for you too.

You can Have Christmas

Looking at all of the many, many holiday's that we celebrate during the year, I can think of none I enjoy more then Mother's Day.  This is a totally selfish confession.  In fact, not one that supports the virtues that we as mother's are celebrated for at all.  Regardless, you can take Christmas, Easter, Valentines, and the 4th of July out of my celebration rotation.  Mother's day is where it's at.   I should clarify that I am only speaking of the pagan rah rah of these holidays.  I would, in fact not trade the birth of Jesus or the independence on our country for a few hours of guilt free pampering.  But, the days, weeks, months, of shopping, crafting, planning, baking and discussing that comes with the rest of the hoildays would not be missed.


Mother's day is a beautiful day.  First off, it is always on a Sunday.  Unlike Birthdays that often require I put in a lot of work to help the kids celebrate me, Dad is always home.  No one questions that I stay in bed way longer then everyone else.  When I wake up, no one expects me to make breakfast.  There is even breakfast waiting for me!  And there are beautiful home made cards that say lovely things like "thank you for taking care of me, I love you".  There are perfect and hilarious portraits of me with arms as thick as tree trunks wearing fancy dresses and an enormous umbrella smile.  I get to wear garish mom bling made from giant rainbow colored beads and foam letters.  I get to hide out and read, write and take a much too long shower.  No one questions me.  It is my day.

(side note: Amelia and Jack are not abandon at shore, but in the care of loving grandparents)

Yesterday was perfect.  After a long winter's wait, we finally put our kayak in Lake Cushman for the first time ever.  The sun was out and the clouds had taken sabbatical.  The Lake felt as icy as the snowcapped olympics.  Life felt perfect.  

Just ask Jack.....

Now, flash forward three hours to the car ride back to Tacoma and ask Jack again.  Go ahead, ask him. No.  Wait a minute, he can't answer.  He is busy vomiting into my cupped hands.  And there, just as magically as it began, it all ended.  There in lies the real mother's day.  Just as generations parents have told their jealous children "everyday is kids day".  Everyday is mother's day too.  For better or for worse, I'll take them all.