I have been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks now. In fact, I think a good reason to why there has been tumbleweed blowing around my blog is because I couldn't bring myself to do it. While I have made my official "this will be my last semester announcements" to my classes, my family, my friends and St. Luke's, putting it in writing seems a lot more committal. I suppose that is where the phrase "put it in writing" comes from. It isn't so easy to do. Over the past month, I have come to know well that the hardest decision are those that have you the most emotionally involved. For me, my Kindermusik studio has always been about a lot more then teaching music.
I love teaching music! I love each child that I have taught. It has been a joy watching them come alive in song and dance. It has been a priviledge watching the love in a parents eyes as they witness their child being moved to music, interacting with peers, or just doing something ridiculously adorable. I love watching the St. Lukes Pre-K class share ideas musically. Seeing friends dance and sing together is beautiful. I adore knowing that a parent and child can come into my class and experience moments of tenderness and quite as they rock and snuggle to music.
At this point you may be expecting the flip side, what I really hate about my teaching experience. While every moment has not been perfect. Most of my time in the classroom has felt pretty darn close. I even enjoy the preparation. Using my brain to communicate with parents and other grown-ups has been great. There really aren't a whole lot of skunks in the yard.
To say that I have decided to stop teaching so that I have more time to spend with my family sounds like a really good answer. Unfortunately, it would be a lie. I love my family. I also spend PLENTY of time with them. I don't need more time to "get things done" around the house. The truth is, I have been very efficient for the past five years. I have managed to teach in the morning, spend time with my children, exercise the dogs, make a fresh healthy meal, make it to the gym and be in bed by 10PM all with a clean house. There in lies my reason for closing my little Minuet Studio. I have no time for nothing. In reading this over, it sounds like a "it's hard being beautiful" kind of rant. That is not my intention. But rather, to make the point that striving to be a "super mom" can leave you feeling a little empty. Even when, with practice, you have become pretty good at it. There is a sacrifice.
When I speak of doing nothing, I don't mean "nothing" as in hanging around with my family with no where to be and nothing on my to-do list. My "nothing" is all about me. Be it selfish or not, I am ready to care for myself as a priority. When I find free moments by myself, I have found that I'm pretty tapped out physically and creatively. It has taken me 9 years of parenting to finally realize the depth into which I need my solitude. While I may not come across this way while teaching, I am an introvert to the core. I thoroughly love my time with students, friends and my family. But, I NEED time by myself, lots of it. If you are a parent or caregiver, you know how impossible this can be when you hold a loaded schedule.
For the past five years, my creativity has been devoted to my studio, and my children. I am ready to revisit the aspects of my creativity that have been often dormant. It doesn't mean that I will be creating masterpieces, or learning to play the trombone. Rather, I am leaving space to create in whatever capacity I am drawn to each day. Maybe in a meal for my husband, maybe in a short story, maybe in redecorating my laundry room. It may not sound as interesting as running a small music business, but to me, right now, it sounds very luxurious.
I recently spoke with Father Paul (of St. Luke's) about my plans to stop teaching. In addition to his kindness and loving support he made a comment something like this: "Many busy families find themselves spinning their wheels. If you are able to take the time to keep the hearth fires going strong, what a difference you can make in your lives". I have always seen this as important as it relates for my family. I now see how important is is for me to keep the hearth fires in my own heart burning, and daily.
What fires would you like to rekindle?
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