Gripping, loss and love.

December was an unusual month for me.  My world seamed to slowly tip on it’s axis while gently shaking me off to be at the mercy of the rest of the universe.  Although some of the changes were of my own doing, I still wrapped myself tightly around earth’s leg.  Like a mother to a toddler, she continued to shake me loose and gently back away.    

I gave up teaching for good last month.  Along with it, I gave up a major focus in my life.  I have opened up time, and space and creative energy for myself.  I have been terrified by the idea of adding anything back in.  The risk of, yet again, over scheduling myself and winding myself back up into claustrophobia has paralyzed me.  So, I am left with a space in my heart where music, children and teaching once sat.   I am clinging to this space.  Shake, shake.

At the end of the month, I had a wonderful week and a half with my children and husband at home.  We had time to spend together at our cabin in the woods and in our , more relaxed then normal, Tacoma home..  I woke up every morning to hot coffee, fed dogs and entertained children.  Totally amazing!  Still, I clung to the guilt of not being the wife and mother who wakes up and gets to work so that my husband can relax.   Basically, I couldn’t let go of how things normally are.  Shake, shake, shake.

I spent a lot of time focused on family this month too.  Yes, my life is always focused on family.  But, in December, that expanded beyond the nuclear.  We spent more time then usual with local family.  We also had visits from both my father and my mother and father in law.  Spending time with family is so dear.  I regret that all of my family is not in one place.  Nothing made this more clear then the sad passing of my lovely grandmother last week.  Here it is regret that I cling to.  The shaking continues,  and I tighten my grip.

As I write this, the Northen side my family is mourning the loss of my grandmother, Elvera.    A courageous, funny, lover of life, my grandmother will be dearly missed.  The mother of seven, this amazing woman lived a full life.  I did not know her well.  But, I am thankful for the time that I did get to spend with her.  In reflecting on her life, I see that her greatest gift to me is her example strength and playfulness. 

I was fortunate enough to visit my grandma in California when on a road trip a several years back with John Amelia, and Jack.  In her 80’s she was still full of life, love and strength.  The life that she lived was frequently visited by hardship.  Yet, when I see her in my minds eye, that is not what I see in her.  I see the face a women who knew joy and love.  Who, upon meeting her great grandchildren for the first time, loved them richly and playfully. 

I am at a loss for a really great way to wrap this up.  I suppose it is because we do not wrap up ones life with a ceremony alone.  Closure doesn’t come.  And, it shouldn’t.  I may not have known my grandmother as well as I would have liked, but she will always be a part of me.  She will always shine in my children.  Now that she has passed, I will look for her in their movements and in their laughter.  I will look for her strength in my own times of challenge.  I am inspired to do the same for the rest of my family.  When Jack raises his brows, just so, to momentarily become my father; hearing Liam yell “fooey!” in the voice of his grandmom Cotter; when Amelia escapes to her room to jump into a book as my grandmother Schroeder would have done, we are reunited.  They are there with us, if just for one sweet moment.  If I cling to the traditional concepts of being close to family, I lose.  But, if I unclench my hands and see that they are with us daily in so many ways I am shaken free.  Free to celebrate them, passed or living, near or far.