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Work

Lately, I have had thoughts that I never expected.  I have been thinking about going back to work.  Granted, “back” to work doesn’t quite fit me.  I never had a career that took flight.  My degree in sociology never led me to abundant opportunities.  In all honesty,  I never expected to work for all that long.  I knew that I wanted to have a family.  I knew that I wanted to stay at home with my children.  So, these new feelings have gone against who I thought I was a mother.  More accurately, they go against who I hoped to prove to be as a mother.  

As adults, we watch vigilantly as the children in our lives children grow and change day after day, year after year.  Yet, we can easily fail to notice our own growth and changes.  I often look at my daughter with disbelief.  She is almost ten years old.   I have watched her personality regularly transform over the years.  When we met she was a bald baby who cried incessantly.  Her voice and curly red hair grew with her and she became a talkative out - going toddler.  Next,  she evolved into both artist and a quiet elementary student.  Over the last four years she has been a soccer player and sports enthusiast.   Now, she is back in ballet slippers.  I have always prided myself on being very aware of her needs as she grows.  I have always given her space to change her mind, her likes, and her dreams.  I struggle to extend that same compassion to myself.  I don’t often  my own change of opinion and desires as “growth”.

When a take an objective look I can see that I have grown TREMENDOUSLY as a parent.  I have also become a much more effective communicator with all family, friends and strangers.  I am 99% more responsible with money (which doesn’t say much since I used to spend 99% of my paycheck on clothes).  I am a more skilled and confident cook, and a more efficient house keeper.  I have stretched as an artistic and creative being.  I have become a teacher.  So, how can I expect what I wanted from life at 27 when I had my first child to match up to what I want from life now?

The cliché “mothers guilt” would really more appropriately be called “mother’s curse” we are all dammed when we do and when we don’t.  In fact, we feel dammed and even just thinking about doing or don’ting.   I feel for working mothers.  I can imagine that leaving your child under the care of another is painful.  Having to make the decision between a career that you love and a child that you love (or money that you need to care for the child that you love) is complex.   In contrast,  staying at home with children that I love leaves a different sort of pain and emptiness - both in the intellect and the pocketbook.

These ramblings are no attempt to come to any decisive thoughts or conclusions.  If I had those,  I would not need to ramble.  Another thing that I am becoming MUCH better at is waiting on decisions.    I like my life wrapped in a tidy package.   I can see now that the most beautiful of life’s gifts don’t fit into a pretty box, nor are they presented as such.  Like us they need room to grow.

Do you second guess your career choices?